On A Lighter Note – Volume 18

Wetin u think?

A man and his wife are in court getting a Divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said,

‘Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labour. She should be in my custody.’

The judge turns to the husband and says,

‘What do you have to say in your defense?

The man sat for a while contemplating…then slowly rose.

‘Your Honour, if I put my ATM card into a cash-dispensing Machine and the cash comes out…whose cash is it?…

‘The machine’s or mine?’

Chilly Question & Ans.

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

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Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

Customer: What other colors do you have?

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Manager: Sorry, but I can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help.

Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

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Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?

Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

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Diner: I can’t eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!

Waiter: It’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

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Diner: You’ll drive me to my grave!

Waiter: Well, you don’t expect to walk there, do you?

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Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.

Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me!

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Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!

Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

Daddy’s car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace..
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mommy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..’

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’

A t the d inner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.’

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Frustrated wife

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, “Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter ‘T’, to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don’t be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you.”

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, “Baby, I didn’t’ realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I’m sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter ‘T’ to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it’s still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs.”

A Pastor’s Donkey

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline Read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS..

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted..

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is …. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your Life.

So be yourself and enjoy life! (People MUST talk)

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

A TRIBUTE TO

A TRIBUTE to Michael (Amuludun Omomojojo) Jackson

MJ has finally ‘Beat it’ & our feelings are ‘Off The Wall’ bc it didn’t matter if he was ‘Black or White’. To some, he wuz a ‘Smooth Criminal’ & dt made him feel sad about ‘The Man in The Mirror’ & dis side of ‘Human Nature’ made him cry ‘Leave Me Alone’. As ‘Dirty Diana’ & ‘Billy Jean’ said, he wuz ‘Bad’, he wuz ‘Dangerous’ but he gave us a’Thriller’ of a time. He may have preferred ‘Ben’ to a ‘Liberian Girl’,……we may never know since he tried to ‘Keep it in the Closet’. A tribute to a man dt will make me say ‘I Cant Just Stop Loving You’ no matter how we ‘Pretty Young Things’ cry. I know he’s ‘Gonna Be Starting Something’ in heaven wia he’ll continue to ‘Rock with You’ for Eternity. Adieu!!! MJ 4Life…….Bayo Olomodosi