From Nigeria, as I was saying....

So as I was saying on Thursday, I paid my barber (well, one of many) a visit to have a haircut. You see, I am not someone you would describe as being hairy – like the Olomodosi’s for example, those are my in-laws for your information. These guys, including Wifey are hairy mehn, and hairy in the right places, if you get what I mean! By the way, Seun a very happy birthday to you my brother. Have a good day and don’t forget our Federal Palace arrangement…lollll

Anyway, this particular Barber, Lawrence, he calls himself was nowhere to be found. I was reassured that he was within shouting distance. I had no choice but to come over to Lawrence as my favourite barber is based in VGC, a couple of kilometres away. To get to Ike in VGC, I would have had to sacrifice at least an hour of my precious time. This I was not ready to do. Instead, I was prepared to sacrifice my hair to Lawrence of Cherubim mall (how I wish it was Arabia).

I must have told you many months ago how Lawrence almost sacrificed his fee on one fateful and faithful morning. I walked in as usual to have my haircut, right. I sat comfortably on the swivel chair without thinking twice of it. Lawrence the barber introduced his instruments and got started. Started he begun and half way, there was a disruption in electricity (I would say that is putting it nicely). There was a power cut. I looked on, and he looked on and at a point we both stood staring at each other. I remember I never mentioned a “Mr T” hair cut and that was exactly what I had at that point.

"Mr T"

So you can imagine the risk I was taking again, this time, thank God, they now had the sense to buy a “I pass my neighbour” type of generator. Lawrence eventually arrived and he was visibly astonished to see me. Why? I was soon to find out.

As soon as he took a stride close to my nose breadth, all I could smell was alcohol. Now I was in a fix. How on earth would I risk having a hair cut with a “quarter” drunk barber. Who was to say that he would not cut off more than he could chew. And I needed to have my haircut that day as I had a very important engagement at work the following day.

As I knew I could not get up to try other risk prone barbers dotted around my axis, I took the option that the “quarter drunken barber you know is better than the sane untried barber I don’t know”. It was a risk I was willing to take. Worst case scenario, I would go bald.

However, before I allowed Lawrence to test my clippers on my hair, I had to engage him in a chat to ascertain how far down the bottle he had gone. I then told him some harsh truth about life. I told him that as talented he may be (and trust me, he is good), the richest place on earth is the grave yard as the place is full of unfulfilled talents. I told him I could not imagine him choosing to while away his spare time wasting his hard earned meagre cash on bottles of beer.

Guess what he told me in his defence? He told me his friends bought the drink for him. And so what? Couldn’t he decline, I told him. When I further scolded him, informing him that he could not blame the devil for his plight, in his reply, he told me that it was in fact the devil that was responsible for his habit. By then I had given up but was assured that, even though he could be a friend of the devil, he was coherent to hold steady the clipper for 20 minutes or so.

I am happy to tell you that I got through unscathed and would think very hard before I go through that experience again.

In Nigeria, everything goes. People look for any means to drown their sorrows. It is a completely different environment, but as I was telling someone, I have come to accept the fact that Nigeria producing Nigerians is unique. We are just different. The terrain is out of this world.

Can you imagine, here in Nigeria, there are some places you would go to and for a second forget you were in Lagos, Nigeria? One of such places I visited was a place called “Shell Trustees Estate” in Ikoyi and the other was Mobil House in Victoria Island. On both occasions, I almost forgot I was still in Nigeria. And you know what, the Nigerians within these two premises all behaved differently as well. The secret, if you would like to be told is the atmosphere created by the leadership.

Still on the harsh terrain of Nigeria, one of my favourite seniors at Federal Government College Warri, Senior Toyosi ‘TKO’ Okorosobo is in town from Namibia. Senior Toyosi works with the World Health Organisation. He was telling me of his experiences in Lagos and does not understand how Nigeria, the so called Giant of Africa could be so different in civilisation. He went on to tell me that, it would have been seen by many that he could no longer understand the terrain of Nigeria after so many years outside the country, if he were based somewhere in Europe, but he is not. He is in the same Africa that Nigeria is supposedly the giant of. He was frustrated to say the slightest.

A similar experience was narrated to me by Lilianne Amah-Aluko, an old school mate of mine who is now a Film producer and an Author. She was telling me of her brother’s experiences of wanting to relocate to Nigeria from America. Her brother was so convinced that it was the right thing to do, but she wasn’t for some reasons. Lilianne had to persuade her brother to dot the “i” and cross the “t” before he takes the plunge with the Lagos based bank that was promising him “Heaven” here on Earth to leave his Vice Presidential position. Luckily for him, he did not commit as he waited for all documents to be signed before he embarked on his journey. And that was the last he heard from the bank.

Moral of the story, be very sure of the employer. Sign all documents with legal backing. Do not cut off ties yet from your current employer. If possible, take a month’s leave to check out the new role in Nigeria before you commence shipping your stuff. I am telling you that while I will encourage anyone to come over, you need to be absolutely certain it is right for you, your family and your destiny. Consult Captain Jesus first before committing, that is so so key.

…..wow, I have typed 1125 words already…I am out of here. God bless you all.

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